26 Aug 09 Random Thoughts of the Day:

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> I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
>
> More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.
>
> Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
>
> I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to have fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they’ve invented the lighter?
>
> Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
>
> That’s enough, Nickelback.
>
> I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
>
> The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase “Regards” again.
>
> Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.
>
> There is a great need for sarcasm font.
>
> Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the fuck was going on when I first saw it.
>
> I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still the only one who really, really gets it.
>
> The other night I hit a new low at an open bar. I had already hopped on highway blackout when, inevitably I had to find a bathroom. Eventually I decided it was probably on the other side of the bar so I tried to walk over there, but ran into a guy coming the other way. We played that, Both go left, Both go right game to no avail, so I finally put out my hand to guide myself past and that’s is when I realized, yup, that’s a mirror I just tried to walk through. And the guy on the other side is me. Even cats can re cognize their own image.
>
> How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
>
> I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
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> I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
>
> The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.
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> A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
>
> Was learning cursive really necessary?
>
> Lol has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.
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> I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
>
> Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.
>
> My brother’s Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, “Cuz we beat you, and you hate us.” Classy, bro.
>
> Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.
>
> How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?
>
> I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
>
> Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using ‘as in’ examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and said “Yes that’s G as in…(10 second lapse)..ummm…Goonies”
>
> What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
>
> While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.
>
> MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
>
> Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
>
> I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
>
> Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
>
> I would like to officially coin the phrase ‘catching the swine flu’ to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight woman. Example: “Dave caught the swine flu last night.”
>
> I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
>
> Bad decisions make good stories
>
> Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!
>
> Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
>
> If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.
>
> Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be a problem….
>
> You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
>
> Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.
>
> There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
>
> I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
>
> “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.
>
> I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There’s so much pressure. ‘I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It’s only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?’
>
> While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don’t win, they are executed.
>
> I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?
>
> I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
>
> When I meet a new girl, I’m terrified of mentioning something she hasn’t already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
>
> I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
>
> Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles…
>
> As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
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> Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
>
> It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
>
> I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
>
> I think that if, years down the road when I’m trying to have a kid, I find out that I’m sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.
>
> Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what do to with it.
>
> Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time…
>
> My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day “Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?” How the hell do I respond to that?
>
> It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.
>
> I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
>
> I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
>
> I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
>
> The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.
>

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16 Aug 09 Don’t mess with little kids…

7 reasons not to mess with children.

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, ‘When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah’.

The teacher asked, ‘What if Jonah went to hell?’

The little girl replied, ‘Then you ask him’.

——————————————-

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, ‘I’m drawing God.’

The teacher paused and said, ‘But no one knows what God looks like.’

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, ‘They will in a minute.’

————————————————–

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to ‘honour’ thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, ‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?’

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, ‘Thou shall not kill..’

———————————————-

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, ‘Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?’

Her mother replied, ‘Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.’

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, ‘Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?’

——————————————————–

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

‘Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, He’s a doctor.’

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, ‘And there’s the teacher, she’s dead.’

—————————————————————

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, ‘Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.’

‘Yes,’ the class said.

‘Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?’

A little fellow shouted,
‘Cause your feet ain’t empty.’

————————————————-

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

‘Take only ONE . God is watching.’

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, ‘Take all you want. God is watching the apples.’

———————————————————————

It doesn’t matter how many people you send this to, just remember if it made you laugh, your friends will laugh too.

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Tags: kids

20 May 09 To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.

Posted to Craig’s List Personals:

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in
Downtown Savannah night before last.

Date: 2009-03-23, 3:43 AM EST

I was the guy with the black Burberry jacket that you demanded I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend.
You also asked for my girlfriend’s purse and earrings.

I hope you somehow come across this message. I’d like to apologize.

I didn’t expect you to crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening, and it wasn’t that cold outside.

You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh?

It’s a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn’t it? I know it probably wasn’t a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you’d come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants. I’m sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cellphone, and wallet with me. I couldn’t have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again.

I took the liberty of calling your mother, or “Momma” as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation. I also bought myself and four other people in the gas station this morning a tank full of gas on your credit card.The20guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful! I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go’s, along with all of the cash in your wallet.

I threw the wallet in a fancy pink “pimp mobile” parked at the curb after I broke the windshield and side window out and keyed the drivers side. I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cellphone.They’ll be on your bill in case you’d like to know which ones. Ma Bell just shut down the line, and I’ve only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don’t know what’s going on with that. I hope they haven’t permanently cut off your service.

I could only get in two threatening phone calls to the DA’s office and one to the FBI with it.The FBI guy was really pissed and we had a long chat (I guess while he traced the number).

I’d also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I’m hoping that you’ll reconsider your choice of path in life.

Next time you might not be so lucky..

- EWELL-

P.S. Remember this motto…… an armed society is a polite society!

Bob

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Tags: craigslist, guns

07 May 09 Somali Cruise Package

This is the best idea yet! Be sure and read the whole thing.  I was checking cruise lines because I heard the rates are very cheap right now.

I found a Somali cruise package that departs from Sawakin (in the Sudan ) and docks at Bagamoya (in Tanzania ). The cost is a bit high @ 800 per person double occupancy but I didn’t find that offensive. What I found encouraging and enlightened is that the cruise is encouraging people to bring their ‘high-powered weapons’ along on the cruise. If you don’t have your own weapons you can rent them right there on the boat. They claim to have a master gunsmith on board and will have reloading parties every afternoon as well as optional marksmanship training. The cruise lasts from 4-8 days and nights and costs a maximum of $3200 per person double occupancy (4 days). All the boat does is sail up and down the coast of Somalia waiting to get hijacked by pirates. Here are some of the costs and claims associated with the package. 

* $800.00 US/per day double occupancy (4 day max billing)

* M-16 full auto rental $ 25.00/day ammo at 100 rounds of 5.56

armor piercing ammo at 15.95

* AK-47 No charge. ammo at 100 rounds of 7.62 com block ball

ammo at 14.95

* M1A Super Match $ 35.00/day. ammo at 20 rounds of 7.62 x 51

Federal Match at 8.95

* Barrett M-107 .50 cal sniper rifle rental 55.00/day ammo at 25

rounds 50 cal armor piercing at 9.95

* Crew members can double as spotters for 30.00 per hour

(spotting scope included).

* Wow - they even offer RPG’s at 75 bucks and 200 dollars for 3

standard loads

* “Everyone gets use of free complimentary night vision

equipment and coffee and snacks on the top deck from 7pm-6am.”

* Meals are not included but costs seem reasonable.

* Most cruises offer a mini-bar… these gung ho entrepreneurs

offer……… get this…..

* “MOUNTED MINIGUN AVAILABLE @ 450.00 per 30 seconds of sustained fire” (Sign me up for that!)

They advertise group rates and corporate discounts……and even claim “FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY” They even have a partial money back offer if not satisfied….here is some text from the ad.

“We guarantee that you will experience at least two hijacking attempts by pirates or we will refund half your money back including gun rental charges and any unused ammo (mini-gun charges not included). How can we guarantee you will experience a hijacking? We operate at 5 knots within 12 miles of the coast of Somalia . If an attempted Hijacking does not occur we will turn the boat around and cruise by at 4 knots. 

We will repeat this for up to 8 days making three passes a day along the entire length of Somalia . At night the boat is fully lit and bottle rockets are shot off at intervals and loud disco music beamed shore side to attract attention. Cabin space is limited so respond quickly. Reserve your package before the end of May and get 100 rounds of free tracer ammo in the caliber of your choice.”

As if all that isn”t enough to whet your appetite, there were a few testimonials.

* “I got three confirmed kills on my last trip. I’ll never

hunt big game in Africa again. I felt like the Komandant in Schindlers

list!”

- Lars , Hamburg , Germany

* “Six attacks in 4 days were more than I expected. I bagged

three pirates and my 12yr old son sank two rowboats with the

mini-gun. PIRATES 0 - PASSENGERS-32! Well worth the trip. Just make

sure your spotter speaks English”

- Ned, Salt Lake city , Utah USA

* “I haven’t had this much fun since flying choppers in NAM

. Don’t worry about getting shot by pirates as they never even got close

to the ship with those weapons they use and their squirrelly aim-reminds

me of a drunken ‘juicer’ door gunner we picked up from the motor pool

back in Nam”

- ‘Chopper’ Dan —-Toledo USA.

* “Like ducks in a barrel. This is must do!

- Zeke, Minnahaw Springs , Kentucky , USA

Finally, someone had the common sense to cash in AND solve a

major problem. These folks deserve a medal

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Tags: Somali Cruise

02 Feb 09 Only in America

Spread the Stupidity  

 

 Only in America ……do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the sto re to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.  

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Only in America …..do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.   

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Only in America …..do banks leave both doors open and then  chain the pens to the counters.   

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Only in America ……do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.   

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Only in America……do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.  __________________________________________ _____________________

 

Only in America …..d o they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.   

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EVER WONDER …

 

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?   

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Why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed?   

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Why don’t you ever see the headline ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?   

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Why is ‘abbreviated’ such a long word?   

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Why is it that doctors call what they do  ’practice’?   

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Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?   

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Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?   

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Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?   

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Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat  food?   

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Why didn’t Noah swat those two  mosquitoes?   

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Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?   

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You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that  stuff?!   

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Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?   

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Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?   

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If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?   

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If flying is so safe,  why do they call the airport the terminal?   

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Now that you’ve smiled at least once, it’s your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)….

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Tags: stupidity

02 Feb 09 The Other Stall

 

This could happen to you!  

 

 

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: 

‘Hi, how are you?’ 

I’m not the type to start a conversation in the restroom. I don’t know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed,

‘Doing’ just fine!’

And the other person says: 

‘So what are you up to?’

What kind of question is that? At that point, I’m thinking this is too bizarre so I say: 

‘Uhhh, I’m like you, just sitting here. ‘  

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question:  

‘Can I come over?’

Ok, this question is just too weird for me.  I figured I could politely end the conversation. I say: 

‘No……..I’m a little busy right now!!!’

Then I hear the person say, nervously: 

‘Listen, I’ll have to call you back.  There’s an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!’  

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Tags: bathroom, cell phone, poop

14 Jan 09 The Husband Store

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Tags: husband, wife

03 Nov 08 Tough Love vs. Spanking - A Good Argument

Tough Love vs. Spanking - Good Argument

Most people think it improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of ‘those moments.’

One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk.

Some say it’s the vibration from the car, others say it’s the time away from any distractions such as TV, Video Games, Computer, IPod, etc.

Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together. Eye to eye contact helps a lot too.

I’ve included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.

 

 

 

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Tags: kids, parenting, spanking, tough love

22 Oct 08 Don’t Flirt at the Halloween Party!!

A wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the
Halloween party alone.

He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and
said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and
there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after
sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was
still early, decided go to the party.

As her husband didn’t know what her costume was, she thought she would
have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume,
cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice ‘chick ‘ he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe
herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.

She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear
and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and made passionate love in the back seat.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and
put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.

‘Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time
when you’re not there.’ Then she asked, ‘Did you dance much?’

He replied, I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance.
When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other
guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening.’

You must have looked really silly wearing that costume
playing poker all night!’ she said with unashamed sarcasm.

To which the husband replied, ‘Actually, I gave my costume
to your Brother, apparently he had the time of his life!!!

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Tags: halloween, husband, sex, wife

16 Oct 08 Call me when it’s safe to come home.

Dear Mom,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it’s not only the passion…… Mom she’s pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that
live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don’t worry Mom. I’m 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,
Your Son,
Jon

P. S. Mom, none of the above is true. I’m over at Tommy’s
house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things
in life than the report card that’s in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it’s safe to come home.

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Tags: dad, drugs, girlfriend, mom