Jokes, Stories, Videos, Pictures, and other junk in my email.
The Heaviest Element Known to Science
Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.
The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of morons promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
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Tags: Government, science
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Your Screwed
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You arent expected to understand this
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You are like really screwed man!
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Enjoyment Conflict
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Problem Exists Between Keyboard and Chair
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Your mouse has moved. Windows must be restarted for the change to take effect.
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User error - Replace user
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You really screwed up this time
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Stack overflow. Internal stack fall down and go boom.
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Consciousness Notification
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Random Error
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Windows has encountered an unknown error.
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Windows Alert!
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Hardware Conflict
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Windows XP Professional Setup
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Automatic Updates
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Tags: computers, error
> THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES
>
> Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and
> 3 kids each for six weeks.
>
> Each kid will play
> two sports
> and either take music
> or dance classes.
>
> There is no fast food.
>
> Each man must
> take care of his 3 kids;
> keep his assigned house clean,
> correct all homework,
> and complete science projects,
> cook, do laundry,
> and pay a list of ‘pretend’ bills
> with not enough money.
>
> In addition, each man
> will have to budget in money
> for groceries each week.
>
> Each man
> must remember the birthdays
> of all their friends and relatives,
> and send cards out
> on time–no emailing.
>
> Each man must also
> take each child to a doctor’s appointment,
> a dentist appointment
> and a haircut appointment.
>
> He must make
> one unscheduled and inconvenient
> visit per child
> to the A & E.
>
> He must also
> make biscuits or cakes
> for a social function.
>
> Each man will be responsible for
> decorating his own assigned house,
> planting flowers outside
> and keeping it presentable
> at all times.
>
> The men will only
> have access to television
> when the kids are asleep
> and all chores are done.
>
> The men must
> shave their legs,
> wear makeup daily,
> adorn himself with jewellery,
> wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes,
> keep fingernails polished
> and eyebrows groomed.
>
> During one of the six weeks,
> the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, back aches,
> and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or
> slow down from other duties.
>
> They must attend
> weekly school meetings,
> church, and find time
> at least once to spend the afternoon
> at the park or a similar setting.
>
> They will need to
> read a book to the kids
> each night and in the morning,
> feed them, dress them,
> brush their teeth and
> comb their hair by 8:00 am.
>
> A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information:
> each child’s birthday,
> height, weight,
> shoe size, clothes size
> and doctor’s name.
> Also the child’s weight at birth,
> length, time of birth,
> and length of labour,
> each child’s favourite colour,
> middle name,
> favourite snack,
> favourite song,
> favourite drink,
> favourite toy,
> biggest fear and
> what they want to be when they grow up.
>
> The kids vote them off the island
> based on performance.
> The last man wins only if…
> he still has enough energy
> to be intimate with his spouse
> at a moment’s notice.
>
> If the last man does win,
> he can play the game over and over
> and over again for the next 18-25 years
> eventually earning the right
> To be called Mum!
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Tags: husband, man, survivor
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Tags: pole dancing
Just so you know…..
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument, when they are right
and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you’re welcome. (I want to add - This is true, unless she says ‘Thanks a lot’ - then it is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say ‘you’re welcome’ … that will bring on a ‘whatever’).
(8) Whatever: Is a women’s way of saying S.C.R.E.W.YOU!
(9) Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning
this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is
now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’
For the woman’s response refer to # 3.
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Tags: women
Last week was my birthday and I didn’t feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say Happy Birthday and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy Birthday”. I thought, well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids, they will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn’t say a word.
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, “Good Morning Boss, and by the way, Happy Birthday!”
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o’clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, ‘You know, It’s such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.’ I said, “Thanks, Jane , that’ s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!”
We went to lunch. But we didn’t go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day….we don’t need to go straight back to the office….do we?”
I responded, “I guess not. What do you have in mind ?”
She said, “Let’s just drop by my apartment, it’s just around the corner”.
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, “Boss, if you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.”
“OK.” I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom, and after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake…followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday”.
And I just sat there…on the couch………naked.
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Tags: cheating, husband, naked, secretary, wife
Confucius Says:
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in
front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind
car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in
pocket feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give
wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright
organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one
chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass
should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many
prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong:
man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not
determine who is right, war determine who is
left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put
husband in doghouse soon find him in
cathouse.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with
wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails
to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like
hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on
toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in
glass house should change clothes in
basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in
other man’s well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in
church sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator
smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Person who deletes this has no humor!!!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Now send it to 1
or more people.
Nothing will
happen but 1 or more people laughing
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Tags: confucius
SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE;
> SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE
> SHE WAS SO HAPPY ‘BOUT IT ALL
> SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.
>
> PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
> YOU’LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
> I’D JUST AS SOON YO’ MA DON’T KNOW,
> BUT JOE IS YO’ HALF BROTHER.
>
> SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
> AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL,
> BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS ,
> HE SAID, ‘THERE’S TROUBLE STILL.
>
> YOU CAN’T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
> AND PLEASE DON’T TELL YOU’ MOTHER,
> BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO’
> I KNOW IS YO’ HALF BROTHER.
>
> BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
> JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO’ HAPPY.
> MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE.
> YOU AIN’T NO KIN TO PAPPY.
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Tags: cheating, daughter, father, mother, redneck
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No, really?
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that’s taking things a bit far!
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing’ lazy so-and-so’s!
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there’s something stronger than duct tape?!
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren’t they fat enough?!
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That’s what he gets for eating those beans!
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
And the winner is….
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
Now that you’ve smiled at least once, it’s your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh, at least once a day!
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Tags: headlines
This is a joke that is supposed to bring you luck.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president’s office. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, ‘$165,000′. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, ‘What kind of bets?’ The elderly woman rep lied, ‘Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.’ The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, ‘Would you like to take my bet?’ ‘Certainly’, replied the president. ‘I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.’ ‘Done’, the elderly woman answered. ‘But given the amount of money involved, if you don’t mind I would like to come back at 10 o’ clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.’ ‘No problem’, said the president of the Bank confidently. That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet. The next morning at exactly 10 o’clock the elderly woman arrived at the president’s office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president’s testicles were square. The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. ‘Of course’, said the president. ‘Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.’ The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied , ‘Oh, it’s probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o’clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!’
The origin of this Canadian story is unknown but it brings luck to everyone to whom it is sent. Whoever breaks the chain would definitely be unlucky. Do not keep this letter. And do not send money. Just forward it to five of your friends to whom you wish good luck. Something good will happen to you in the next four days. If the chain is not broken, you will have good luck during the four days. Even if all you do is make someone laugh, send it on!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
If you send this page to more than 5 people, you will have good luck for the next 5 years in addition to the luck you will have within the next 4 days.
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Tags: bet, old lady, testicles
