Jokes, Stories, Videos, Pictures, and other junk in my email.
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
- You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
- There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
- The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
‘That’s nice,’ she thinks, ‘but I want more.’
So she continues upward.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. ‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store…
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a “New Wives” store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
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A wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the
Halloween party alone.
He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and
said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and
there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after
sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was
still early, decided go to the party.
As her husband didn’t know what her costume was, she thought she would
have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume,
cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice ‘chick ‘ he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe
herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.
She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear
and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and made passionate love in the back seat.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and
put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.
‘Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time
when you’re not there.’ Then she asked, ‘Did you dance much?’
He replied, I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance.
When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other
guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening.’
You must have looked really silly wearing that costume
playing poker all night!’ she said with unashamed sarcasm.
To which the husband replied, ‘Actually, I gave my costume
to your Brother, apparently he had the time of his life!!!
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Tags: halloween, husband, sex, wife
Last week was my birthday and I didn’t feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say Happy Birthday and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy Birthday”. I thought, well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids, they will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn’t say a word.
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, “Good Morning Boss, and by the way, Happy Birthday!”
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o’clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, ‘You know, It’s such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.’ I said, “Thanks, Jane , that’ s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!”
We went to lunch. But we didn’t go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day….we don’t need to go straight back to the office….do we?”
I responded, “I guess not. What do you have in mind ?”
She said, “Let’s just drop by my apartment, it’s just around the corner”.
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, “Boss, if you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.”
“OK.” I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom, and after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake…followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday”.
And I just sat there…on the couch………naked.
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Tags: cheating, husband, naked, secretary, wife
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write ‘ Spaghetti’ on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. ‘Honey,’she said, ‘You received a very strange post card today.’ ‘Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it later,’ he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: ‘Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.
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A young boy went to his father and asked,’What’s the difference between Potentially and Realistically?’
The father answered, ‘Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Denzel Washington for one million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Sean Puffy’ Combs for one million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you have learned.
So the boy went to his mother and asked, ‘Would you sleep with Denzel Washington for one million dollars?’ The mother replied, ‘Of course I would. I wouldn’t pass up an opportunity like that!’ Then the boy went to his sister and asked, ‘Would you sleep with Sean ’Puffy’ Combs for one million dollars?’ The girl replied, ‘Oh my gosh! I’d be nuts to pass that up!’
The boy thought about it and went back to his dad. His father asked him if he’d found out the difference between ‘potentially and realistically.’
The boy replied, ‘Yes. ‘Potentially’ we’re sitting on two million dollars, but ‘realistically’ we’re living with two hos’
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Tags: daughter, girl, ho, mother, son, wife
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their
anniversary submitted this: Last weekend I saw something at
Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The
occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife Julie.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized
taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short
lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant,
allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety….??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story
short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however,
that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal
surface at the same time; I’d get the blue arc of electricity
darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn
spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to
myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-A
batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions
and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh &
blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of
a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect
herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it
would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,
directions in one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to
cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop
on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than
three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while
I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and
(loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to
myself, “no possible way!”
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do
my best…? I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her
head cocked to one side as to say, ” don’t do it dipshit,”
reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole
thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a
one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to
my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . HOLY MOTHER OF
GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door,
picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the
carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking
up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes,
body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to
be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before,
clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace,
obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body
flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to “mug” yourself with a
taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one
second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of
that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent
thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be
considered
conservative?
SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative
thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had
left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading
glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was
upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally
was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with
Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control
over the
drooling. Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know
for sure and my sense of smell was gone.; I saw a faint smoke
cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I’m
still looking for my nuts and I’m offering a significant reward
for their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens
me with it!
“If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid
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Two ladies talking in heaven:
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I’m Kelly. How’d you die?
1st woman: I Froze to Death.
2nd woman: How Horrible!
1st woman: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled
over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer—we’d both still be alive
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Tags: cheating, heaven, husband, sex, wife
A couple wanted to join the church. The pastor told them, “We have a
special requirement for new member couples.
You must abstain from sex for one whole month.
The couple agreed, but two-and-a-half weeks returned to the church.? The
wife was crying, and the husband was obviously very depressed.
“You are back so soon. Is there a problem?” the pastor inquired.
“We are ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex one
whole month,” the man replied sadly.
The pastor asked what happened.
“Well, the first week was difficult. However, we managed to abstain
through willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of
prayer helped us.
“However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers,prayer,
reading the Bible, anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts. But,
one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When
she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust, and I just had my
way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex.
It lasted over an hour, and when we were done,We were both drenched in
sweat,” admitted the man shamefully.”
The pastor lowered his head and said sternly, “You understand this means
you are not welcome in our church.”
“We know,” said the young man, hanging his head.
“We’re not welcome at Home Depot, either.”
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